


The (in)Difference of Apologies

by anonymousorly



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Apologies, Band Break Up, Bottom Louis, Canon Compliant, Doggy Style, Forgiveness, M/M, Makeup Sex, Making Up, Porn with Feelings, Post-Zayn One Direction, Reconciliation, Reconciliation Sex, Reunions, Smut, Top Zayn, Zayn Leaves One Direction, Zayn Returns, implied ot5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-14
Packaged: 2018-07-24 00:14:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7485801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymousorly/pseuds/anonymousorly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn apologizes to Louis and wants One Direction to take him back.</p><p>[Inspired by the headlines "One Direction reuniting" & "Secret talks between Harry & Zayn."]</p>
            </blockquote>





	The (in)Difference of Apologies

Louis sat in the recliner with a drink in hand, slouched forward and forearms on his thighs. His eyes darted up and locked with Zayn’s, heart pounding harder. Mind spinning and head cloudy, he stared as Zayn inhaled deeply.

Harry nudged Zayn softly, elbow to elbow, and nodded toward the couch. He sat close beside Zayn and sprawled his arms across the back, slowly looking between the two. _So far, so good_ , he thought. Different scenarios played out in his thoughts throughout the previous week leading up to this very moment and most weren’t good. One involved a manic brawl with Louis smashing Zayn’s head to the coffee table. Another was Zayn simply turning around and never looking back. Another involved a hospital visit for Zayn's bleeding eye. Others had a gunshot, car windows smashed, pissing on shoes, fire, and a biting dog.

None happened (yet) and Harry considered that a win.

Louis bit his bottom lip, a tornado of emotions compiling in his stomach. His vision blurred and he couldn't keep his eyes on Zayn, had to look away. He was getting lightheaded just at the sight of him, what the fuck was that about? He wanted to growl, _fucking traitor_. He wanted to whisper, _you look good_. He wanted to shout, _how dare you!_ He wanted to sob, _Zayn, why?_ He wanted to kick him in his side until he bled internally. He wanted to grab his hair and kiss his neck. He wanted to bruise his goddamn beautiful face with his knuckles.

Instead, he took a long gulp from his drink.

Zayn folded his hands in front of him. He didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t even entirely sure what needed to be done. He knew what Harry wanted - to get them together - but that was as far as he got. Well, he knew he needed to agree with Harry when he offered a meeting with Louis. He knew he needed to get right with Louis, but how? He was far less confrontational than Louis, but no one could hold a grudge like Tommo.

The tense silence revealed these qualities quite clearly.

Harry cleared his throat but neither looked at him. “Sssooooo…”

Louis took another swallow and firmly pressed his lips together. He wouldn’t budge. He refused. He had done nothing wrong. 

Zayn licked his lips. “Lou.”

Heat spread across Louis’ face and neck, turning his smooth tan into a blotchy red and cascading down his whole body. His hands felt like ice around the glass and he wanted to throw it, shatters exploding in the air.

“I’m sorry.”

Louis hated him. Now he was mad. _I’m sorry_?! There was no way to apologize that was more empty than that. He said it to Eleanor (both times), Hannah, and Briana - _I’m sorry_ meaning I don’t care about you enough to think of something more creative, so that’s all you get. He knew how painful it was for the women - he may have been heartless but he was still observant - yet he always let them crumble alone in front of him because he just didn’t care.

With the boys, though, he never was cold. If he did wrong, he’d take their face between his palms and plead forgiveness. He’d reveal the love he held, the dependency he felt, and the desperation he had for them. An apology was an offer that could be accepted or denied; _I’m sorry_ was an admission of indifference.

If Louis were to be honest, he really couldn’t handle Zayn feeling indifferent to him - about him. He’d rather Zayn die hating him and he die knowing Zayn hated him. But...indifferent? That was worse.

“You’re what?” asked Louis, voice low and tone biting.

It clicked when Zayn heard Harry inhale sharply, shoulders raising in the corner of his eye. He forgot about how apologies were so personal and intimate to him; not from lack of remembering but oversight on everything else. “I wish it’d have been different.”

“No you don’t, you bastard. You’re quite pleased with yourself, how you acted-”

“I am not, shut up-”

“I’ve been shut up for long enough- it’s about time you shut your mouth.”

Harry leaned forward and pressed his fingers to Zayn’s lower back. “Hey, just.” He gave a familiar look that Zayn knew meant _let him be, you’ll get your say_.

It was the same look Louis got after he pushed Liam’s buttons one too many times. It was the same look Niall got after that one dark week when he binge drank. It was the same look Liam got after pestering Zayn non-stop (“something is wrong”) and not taking the hint to leave him be.

Even if he wasn’t in the group, Zayn obeyed Harry’s moderation.

“You destroyed us.” Zayn braced himself for the truths that he had been ignoring. “Waking up to Liam’s empty eyes every morning. Falling asleep to Niall’s tears every night. Living every day with this fucker who looked like he would break down any second.”

Zayn turned his head, almost expecting Harry to look that way now. Although he wasn’t, Zayn imagined it perfect: face pale and tense, eyes dark and bloodshot, hands messing with his hair in hopes of pulling the bad thoughts out. He couldn’t envision day-to-day life seeing that, it...could kill him.

“You will never understand what you did to us. Bringing that fuckrag on the bus and walking out.”

On Zayn’s list of regretful life decisions, that was number one: bringing Gigi on the bus, having sex with her, then leaving. At that time, though, he had felt completely numb and disconnected from himself; an out-of-body experience. As though he was in a nightmare that was only temporary...but that was why he was here now: he woke up and it was real. Gigi’s soft moans when his fingertips disappeared into her. Louis’ coos to Niall in the bunk above. Harry’s muffled whines against Liam’s chest. The night prior, he had fucked Niall slowly and made him go crazy, limbs thrashing and throat gasping.

“You destroyed us,” Louis repeated, “and we had to act like you didn’t.”

Zayn felt nauseous. “I had to,” he murmured and the anger in Louis’ blue eyes was expected yet frightening. He couldn’t - _couldn’t_ \- mess this apology up. “I never stopped loving you. I stopped loving myself. Doing what I love, being with those I love...and feeling nothing.”

Harry’s fingers moved under the back of Zayn’s jacket and shirt, a steady yet gentle touch that had soothed many nerves. He was already told Zayn’s side of the story and, though still bitter and broken, knew Louis would find it in his heart to forgive just as he had.

“I was going to hurt you regardless. Staying or leaving, it didn’t matter. I decided physically being there would end up worse. I decided not being there would make it easier.” Zayn ran a hand over his short hair. “I...had to, Louis.”

Louis finished his drink, by now watered down and room temperature. Since the night Zayn left, all he could think about was abandonment. How Zayn wasn’t happy with them anymore. How Zayn didn’t want them anymore. How Zayn didn’t care for them anymore. How Zayn didn’t want to stay. He never really thought to ask himself why. He was too emotional to be logical, too focused on the pain and his bandmates.

Now, the focus was on Zayn and his feelings - _his_ perspective. But it still didn’t make sense. “Did… Did we do something wrong?”

His heart didn’t finish a beat before Zayn fell to his knees in front of him, palms covering his hands and thumbs on the rim of the empty glass. He saw genuine fear in Louis’ eyes, a disgusting perfect mix of panic and vulnerability. He never wanted to see that ever again.

“Absolutely not.”

He knew mending with Louis would be the most difficult. Niall was the most relieved and they spent 36 hours kissing in an entwined cuddle ball. Liam was the most defensive and Harry was the most heart-wrenching. Liam wouldn’t respond to anything he said and Harry just wouldn’t stop crying. And Louis, he was a combination of all three.

“It was nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.” Zayn took a deep breath. “I’m not saying it wasn’t selfish. I’m not saying it wasn’t stupid. I’m saying...that I want you back.”

Niall needed to approve first and foremost - the other three would start each conversation with “did you talk to Niall?” otherwise. Liam was a tougher cookie and Harry was a crumbled one, each holding a strong and extreme reaction. Liam asked the probing questions with anger and Harry asked the heartbreaking questions with despair. Liam needed to approve second because Harry would doubt himself, unsure if he was reacting reasonably or blindly. Louis needed to approve only after his boys did.

Louis swallowed the lump that formed in his throat and, even after what Zayn did, still felt guilty asking, "How? How can I trust you? How can _we_ trust you?"

Zayn wouldn't pretend it was uncalled for or didn't hurt to hear aloud. He deserved anything and everything that the four wanted for a very long time because they didn't deserve anything and everything that he put them through over the last year and a half. It was just a mixed, imbalanced feeling. How they acted, what they said, how they said it...all unveiled the impact and consequences of the harm he caused. It piled onto the shame of what he had done and the remorse of what he had done to them.

Zayn's brain was buzzing, a ringing in his ears. "Time," he softly answered. "A chance."

Being together 24/7 for five and a half years wasn't easy. Even the strongest of couples had some time apart, including those who worked together but in different departments or, at least, cubicles. Not for them. They worked the same job, schedule, tasks, goals, outcome, stress, obligations, everything...in addition to living together at the same time. It was unnatural, no doubt, and that's why 2015 was declared _last tour, last album, first break_ even before the official announcement months later.

He needed time away, and they all did, but he couldn't even make it that far. After four months shy of five years, less than six weeks into their fifth tour (X Factor's and one month with Big Time Rush counted as one), he left with only nine months to go. That thought alone caused many sleepless nights for Louis. _He couldn't stand nine more months._

"I lost myself and running away didn't help me find it." The words sent a shiver down Louis' spine, from the bottom of his neck to the top of his tailbone. "Running away showed me I was becoming farther and farther away...showed me I couldn't find myself alone...without you."

He needed time away, now he needed time to prove his way back. Things would be weird between the group for a while and they all knew it. It wouldn't be forever, though, because they thought he would be gone forever but he wasn't.

He slowly sat back against his legs and released Louis, but kept a hand extended out. “If you let me…I-I can make it right.”

The tan hand was empty aside from a thick silver ring on the index finger. The same hand that slammed the bus door before vanishing, had made Gigi orgasm that night. The same hand that forced Liam’s head lower around his cock, pinched Harry’s side if he was in the way of the snack cupboard, brushed Louis’ hair during late night movies, and gripped Niall’s wrist when fucked on his back. The same hand that healed then hurt them...had been accepted by the others and was now empty, waiting for him.

Louis shifted his attention to Harry, trying to get a read on him but also wanting a moment to calm his thoughts without Zayn’s apologetic face to phase him. Sweet Harry and his optimism for humanity, who was relaxed closely earlier to the guy who selfishly caused some of the hardest tears he had ever shed and longest weeks Louis had ever lived. But they all forgave Zayn, so Louis knew his decision was made for him already.

Harry tilted his head in the direction of Zayn and it was all Louis needed.

Louis reached out, took Zayn’s hand, and bit his lower lip. The texture seemed unfamiliar and cold, if not on the dry side, but he gave a squeeze because Zayn looked beyond terrified and thankful. Despite it all, Louis' first instinctive reaction was to make sure he was okay - make sure he _knew_ it was okay.

Following Zayn’s lead, he stood and set the empty glass down on the center table, noticing Harry’s stare and grin at them. He offered, “Do you...wanna?…” appreciative for this meeting and wanting to reward him.

Harry shook his head and grabbed the remote control from under a couch cushion, holding it up like a trophy and crossing his feet on the tabletop. “Thanks but. It’s something you need to do together...alone.” Seeing uncertainty in Louis’ eyes, he promised, “It will be fine.”

Zayn tugged on Louis’ hand, getting his attention. “I’ll make it right.”

Louis didn’t look back to Harry after that, focused on Zayn and the determination he spoke with...the genuine tone and honest words, the love that had been away for too long and right in front of him again. More recent memories of pain didn’t erase the wonderful ones of the past and wouldn’t prevent new ones from being made. Zayn didn’t have to be there - didn’t _have_ to ever come back - but he was and that meant more to Louis than the pain ever could.

Zayn followed Louis inside Harry’s bedroom and closed the door quietly, as if to not scare him off. The blinds were shut but sunlight made it between the gaps, a hazy glow filling the room. Louis looked like an angel, standing in the middle of the room with the window bright behind him. Gleaming almost yet beautiful definitely.

Taking a step closer, he wanted to do so much but didn’t know where to start. _Touch._ He needed to just touch him, feel that he was there. He didn’t realize how tense Louis was until he touched his cheek, palm flat and fingertips on his jaw. He noticed the stiff shoulders and clenched teeth. He needed to get him relaxed.

He pressed his lips to Louis’ neck. Warm and musky...he hadn’t changed.

He rubbed his thumb over Louis’ cheek and licked up to his ear, a shaky exhale meaning he was on the right track. One suck on his earlobe and the way he responded, with this _ahh_ sigh and eyelids dropping, went directly to Zayn’s cock because fuck, he missed Louis. How he felt, how he looked, how he sounded, how he liked it…

Louis grabbed Zayn’s hips firmly. Sex was different with each of the boys and the thing with Zayn was slower, focused movements. Compared to Liam who likes it fast and messy or Harry who has this needy impatience, he was a walker in a running race and he missed that feeling...missed Zayn.

“Missed you,” he breathed out, nose pressing against the top of Zayn’s head. He smelled floral and sugary, the same as Zayn always had. The familiarity he’d been lacking was a comfort, as though things could pick up right where they left off...before…

“You destroyed us.” The comfort quickly twisted up into a dense ball inside Louis’ chest, right next to his heart. “You destroyed me.”

“I know.” Zayn rested his forehead on Louis’ and stared into the watering blue eyes. “I intend on putting you back together.”

“You do?”

He nodded, lined his mouth to Louis’. “Never again,” he vowed before finally kissing him.

It was slow at first, until Louis became more eager and Zayn kept up perfectly, mouth dropping for Louis’ scotch-tainted tongue. It felt so right, so overdue, as their natural rhythm returned and took over. It was easy falling back into the motions, tongues tangling and saliva dropping. Heavy weights lifted off Louis' shoulders and the stressful pit dissolved from his mind.

Zayn unbuttoned Louis’ jeans, hand dragging over his stomach and under the waistband of his briefs. “Lemme.” A whispered plea, accent heavy. “Please, lemme make it right.”

His palm pressed down on the tip of Louis' cock, muscles easing even more. Louis couldn't remember the last time he went completely limp because his shoulders were constantly strained and legs more sore from knots by the day. Even lying on the floor with a quick handjob from Liam couldn't make his back muscles drop.

Zayn scraped his teeth over the side of Louis' neck and Louis figured he could melt into the warmth of the arms around him. The strokes and teases sent a burning rush through him that he hadn't experienced in a while and he leaned all his weight forward, every part of him releasing all the tension he'd been holding onto for more than a year.

Wrapping an arm around Louis' waist, Zayn held the relaxed body closer to his chest. "I'll work for it."

Louis whimpered, the air from Zayn's nostrils brushing the moist tug of skin. After Zayn left, he felt excitement and bliss with the others, but not this burning rush that he had now.

"I'll work for it. Prove myself," he continued, sucking on Louis' collarbone.

The husky words of promise registered as sexual rather than sincerity. Moaning short and deep, Louis let go and allowed himself to be submissive. He was gripped tighter against Zayn and forced forward, kissing him hard. 

It was a cluster of hands yanking, clothes tugging, and mouths on skin until Louis was on all fours atop the bed with Zayn kneeling behind. He slid an index finger inside Louis and the tightness got him more aroused. He had no real preference being top or bottom but knew Louis preferred top; preferred to have wet warmth to plunge into. But every so often, he needed to get a good fucking to reset his wound-up nerves and be taken care of for a little while. With how tight he was around Zayn’s finger, it must’ve been some time since he was fucked last and about due for one.

Louis sighed, _ahh_ , and pushed his hips back, ass lifting higher in the air. He heard and felt how wet he was getting, the finger gliding easily with a moist crinkle. He grabbed the bedding between his fists, resisting the temptation to stroke himself because he wanted release but craved Zayn more...which also could explain his last 16 months.

Zayn held Louis’ side for balance so he could steadily rub the tip of his cock into the lubrication. He had to make this good, he _had_ to make this amazing for Louis, who again whimpered and glanced over his shoulder. Fuck, he looked perfect with his cheeks rosy and parted lips dark red, hair tangled and breaths short. Zayn needed to make this right.

He rolled his hips and pulled on Louis’ to bring him closer. Louis grunted and dropped his head to the bed, pushing on his arms to keep his lower back arched. He adjusted fairly quick, knees moving a little towards Zayn and spreading more apart. After Zayn rocked against him a few times, he loosened up and every motion was soothing.

Zayn groaned quietly and dug his nails into Louis’ skin, causing a gasp and hiss. He had done it. He was forgiven by all four. If he could go back in time with a clear mind, he wouldn’t have done it. But, what had been done was done because everything happens for a reason; this reason was that Zayn truly needed them.

He tilted Louis’ hips slightly and was approved with a low, drawn out moan. Keeping at that angle, he thrusted faster and Louis cried out, face down and biting the blanket.

He thought back to how he had gotten to this point...how he was able to reconnect and reconcile with each of them. Niall had rode him on the living room floor, arms tightly around his shoulders and bouncing into oblivion. Liam had embraced his inner kink, fingers curled around Zayn’s throat and yanking his head hard. Harry had been fucked against the wall, one long leg hooked around Zayn’s hipbone and bite marks along his shoulders. Now, Louis bent over in front of him and a jumble of pleasured noises.

Zayn was never, _ever_ leaving.

He moved a hand to the top of Louis’ back, right under his neck, and pressed his nails deep through the sweat. Slowly but with pressure, he dragged his fingers down and tore up the skin underneath. Louis let out a scream, the stinging sensation rough compared to the smooth glide inside of him, and Zayn focused on keeping the angle as he pushed faster.

Gasping out moans, Louis shifted all the weight to his legs so he could rub his cock. He did his best not to arch his back even more but he was getting desperate. Zayn had been hitting his prostate for a while and the tingling trails on his back was almost too much for him to handle. It didn’t help that whenever Zayn’s balls slapped against the curve of his ass, every so often was followed by a vulgar, breathy groan. He was losing his mind, thinking about Harry listening in the next room and the other three in the same position as he currently was.

Louis squealed to hold back another scream but it turned into a sob, watery eyes shut tight and mouth wide open. His face was fire, hotter with every slide of his hand. Zayn scratched him again and he squealed again, crying out as he flicked his wrist faster...sloppier...and came.

Zayn stared at Louis’ face but didn’t stop moving, mesmerized at how erotic and peaceful he looked; lashes fluttering, brows twitching, jaw slack, tongue slightly out. Louis’ thighs quivered and he pushed faster, coming when the tip of Louis’ tongue wet his lips and eyes opened to gaze back at him.

The discharge spurted on the back of his thighs and Louis’ fell to the bed after the soft pressures stopped. On his stomach and wet hand, he gasped deep and quick. Every part of his body was weak and sore, covered in sweat and hot to the touch. His knees stayed wide apart and back pricked. He heard Zayn panting and ruffling off the bed to the side table next to him. The drawer opened and Zayn chuckled. He smiled lazily, whispering, “Always kep’tem in the sam’lace.”

“I see.” Zayn took out a folded towel and wiped Louis’ legs, the thought of Harry fluffing and folding each towel perfectly warming the pit of his stomach.

Louis tugged the towel from Zayn’s hands and rolled onto his back, cleaning himself off. His ass was aching but it’s to be expected when he only took it two or three times a month. Zayn lied beside him, fingertips touching Louis’ pink cheeks and inhaling slowly. “Lou...I truly, sincerely...am remorseful and sorry.”

Harry appeared in the doorway, then, and looked on. His face was flushed and pants were shamelessly undone. Despite what had happened since Zayn walked into the living room, Louis still had to accept the apology one last time. That’s how they all worked: words, actions, words. A three step process because Zayn royally fucked up and he wasn’t going to get let off the hook easily. But, this was _Zayn_ and they missed him and they loved him and they never stopped...they never would. Just like he hadn’t.

Louis remained calm for this _sorry_. Mostly because Zayn’s eyes were panicking and he didn’t want them to be. He wanted Zayn to fit right back into his slot with them. He wanted Zayn to feel like he never left. He wanted Zayn to be treated as if he was there the whole time. He wanted Zayn back and to never leave because there would not be third chance...there  couldn’t be.

Louis curled his hands around Zayn’s wrists and leaned over, gently kissing him and staring into his eyes. They were seemingly twinkling, a darker yet brighter gold; the same color that made Louis and everyone else melt. They couldn’t conceal the pain and anxiety, though, especially with the creased forehead and shaky fingers. He was bothered and Louis knew it would take some time before he was entirely comfortable. His mind would continue to torture him late at night, a cycle of doubts and insecurities until his tears prompt his worthlessness and incompetence. The same cycle that made him leave, the same cycle that brought him back. It was the boys’ job to tame the demon inside Zayn’s brain and they were damn good at it.

Louis pulled away just enough to whisper, “Apology accepted.”

**Author's Note:**

> [I should've just named this fic a Biebz song...]


End file.
